Over the last two years things have been getting progressively better with my anxiety, depression and panic attacks. There are many reasons: Abbey, new psychiatrist, change in meds, continued support from my two therapists (one wasn't enough), primary care doctor, love and support from my family and close friends, and lots of hard work, to name a few. Also on this list is the absence of chest pains. From 2008, after my pulmonary embolism, to let's say mid 2010, I frequently experienced terrifying chest pains. During this time when the chest pains were frequent, I went to the ER around 9 times thinking I was either having another pulmonary embolism or a heart attack. Each time I had an EKG and blood tests and the results always came back normal. I was not going to die.
Since mid-2010 the chest pains have become less and less frequent. In fact, over the last year I can't remember a time when I had the terrifying type of chest pains I had in the years previous.
Yesterday, I had a little moment, let's say. It was about 3:15pm and I was at my desk at work. I started to feel pressure in my chest in the region around my heart. The pressure got stronger and I was feeling something akin to compression. At the same moment, I started to feel pain and pressure in my jaw. I have gotten infinitely better at remaining somewhat calm during these chest pain attacks. I have learned to tell myself, "this is anxiety or a panic attack, and I'm not going to die," because that's really what terrifies me is that the chest pains are the precursor to swift death, the kind you don't come back from, the kind that leaves your body physically wherever you fell, even if it's just in some building at UC Berkeley for your co-workers to find. But I have learned to feel the chest pains and not exacerbate the chest pains by panicking and ending up in the ER. Since I've experienced the chest pains maybe a hundred times now and haven't died, I finally believe I won't die the next time. But yesterday was different, the jaw pain was different and of course being the diligent person/hypochondriac I am, I immediately googled "chest pain and jaw pain" (always seems like the best idea but is the worst) and the first page that came up was Angina, which is like a heart attack but not a heart attack, but I started freaking out because of this new combination: crushing chest pain and jaw pain, and started to think I was having a heart attack.
This pain is terrifying because the physical sensation is real. I felt strong chest pain, strong painful pressure in my chest near my heart and I felt this weird, strong jaw pain. And since this was the first time I had ever felt both together at the same time my anxiety spiked and I started to get dizzy. I had to take off my glasses, rub my eyes, walk out of the office, get some water, worried I might fall over and die at any second, but trying to employ the techniques I've learned to calm myself. I immediately took a klonopin (like xanex) because I carry them with me wherever I go.
I wasn't sure what to do. Fortunately, the pain subsided after about 5 minutes. But I was still really shaken. I have been through this so many times, I didn't want to call a doctor and have them tell me to go to the ER, but I also didn't want to be the boy who cried wolf and finally hit the jackpot and have some serious heart condition and not do anything about it and die. I had therapy last night, so I decided to wait and discuss the whole situation with my therapist at 6pm, assuming the chest and jaw pain didn't return. Fortunately it didn't, I went to therapy, then went home and just let myself feel the terror and sadness that comes from the physical sensations and also from the constant struggle with anxiety, depression and panic. I was able to cry for a short time. Abbey was golden, like always in helping me to put the incident in the context of my day and my recent struggles. Her love and support is invaluable.
The reason I write about this tonight is because the chest and jaw pain and subsequent panic I felt yesterday was a return to a place I did not want to re-visit. But this is how it goes for those of us who deal with anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Every day is a challenge, some days a struggle, some days a war, and some days a violent upheaval and a blow to your gut, safety and equilibrium. There is so much suffering.
There are so many other people who have it much worse than me, suffering from debilitating bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses in various combinations. But if you suffer from mental health issues at all, I guess this post is for you. I want you to know that I go through this shit and the next day still feel like shit.
If you are going through some shit and you don't have anyone to talk to, please email me or don't email me, but take one small step in a direction you know is good for you. You'll need to build a team, but it starts by reaching out to one person and being open to change. And it can change, things do improve. In fact, things improve more amazingly than you can possibly imagine. If you're at a place where you look into the tunnel and you don't see the light at the end, I just want to tell you that there is light, you just can't see it. You can feel so depressed and sick that you are sure you are a fool, an idiot, that you have nothing to offer anyone, you have no reason to live; you can feel like you are flawed at a genetic level and that this flaw is penetrating and raw and more real than any possible hope, but it can change and the shape of your thoughts can change and you begin to start feeling good, really good about yourself, about your life.
These last few days, up to right now in this moment, have been rough and a reminder of how shitty things can feel, how uncertain and vulnerable. But there is music and there is writing and there is love. The things you feel and the thoughts in your head can change. You must know this. If you are suffering right now in this moment, know that I love you, as a fellow being, alive and feeling. I have felt pain and will continue to feel pain. I have never felt and will never feel your pain, but I have felt pain and things have improved, exponentially. This is possible for you. I believe this.
with love in the face of shit and mud and hopelessness, with love,
Anthony
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