Anxiety, Depression and Panic Attacks

Over the last two years things have been getting progressively better with my anxiety, depression and panic attacks.  There are many reasons: Abbey, new psychiatrist, change in meds, continued support from my two therapists (one wasn't enough), primary care doctor, love and support from my family and close friends, and lots of hard work, to name a few.  Also on this list is the absence of chest pains.  From 2008, after my pulmonary embolism, to let's say mid 2010, I frequently experienced terrifying chest pains.   During this time when the chest pains were frequent, I went to the ER around 9 times thinking I was either having another pulmonary embolism or a heart attack.  Each time I had an EKG and blood tests and the results always came back normal.  I was not going to die.

Since mid-2010 the chest  pains have become less and less frequent.  In fact, over the last year I can't remember a time when I had the terrifying type of chest pains I had in the years previous.

Yesterday, I had a little moment, let's say.  It was about 3:15pm and I was at my desk at work.  I started to feel pressure in my chest in the region around my heart.  The pressure got stronger and I was feeling something akin to compression.  At the same moment, I started to feel pain and pressure in my jaw.  I have gotten infinitely better at remaining somewhat calm during these chest pain attacks.  I have learned to tell myself, "this is anxiety or a panic attack, and I'm not going to die," because that's really what terrifies me is that the chest pains are the precursor to swift death, the kind you don't come back from, the kind that leaves your body physically wherever you fell, even if it's just in some building at UC Berkeley for your co-workers to find.  But I have learned to feel the chest pains and not exacerbate the chest pains by panicking and ending up in the ER.  Since I've experienced the chest pains maybe a hundred times now and haven't died, I finally believe I won't die the next time.  But yesterday was different, the jaw pain was different and of course being the diligent person/hypochondriac I am, I immediately googled "chest pain and jaw pain" (always seems like the best idea but is the worst) and the first page that came up was Angina, which is like a heart attack but not a heart attack, but I started freaking out because of this new combination: crushing chest pain and jaw pain, and started to think I was having a heart attack.

This pain is terrifying because the physical sensation is real.  I felt strong chest pain, strong painful pressure in my chest near my heart and I felt this weird, strong jaw pain.  And since this was the first time I had ever felt both together at the same time my anxiety spiked and I started to get dizzy.  I had to take off my glasses, rub my eyes, walk out of the office, get some water, worried I might fall over and die at any second, but trying to employ the techniques I've learned to calm myself.  I immediately took a klonopin (like xanex) because I carry them with me wherever I go.

I wasn't sure what to do.  Fortunately, the pain subsided after about 5 minutes.  But I was still really shaken.  I have been through this so many times, I didn't want to call a doctor and have them tell me to go to the ER, but I also didn't want to be the boy who cried wolf and finally hit the jackpot and have some serious heart condition and not do anything about it and die. I had therapy last night, so I decided to wait and discuss the whole situation with my therapist at 6pm, assuming the chest and jaw pain didn't return.  Fortunately it didn't, I went to therapy, then went home and just let myself feel the terror and sadness that comes from the physical sensations and also from the constant struggle with anxiety, depression and panic.  I was able to cry for a short time.  Abbey was golden, like always in helping me to put the incident in the context of my day and my recent struggles.  Her love and support is invaluable.

The reason I write about this tonight is because the chest and jaw pain and subsequent panic I felt yesterday was a return to a place I did not want to re-visit.  But this is how it goes for those of us who deal with anxiety, depression and panic attacks.  Every day is a challenge, some days a struggle, some days a war, and some days a violent upheaval and a blow to your gut, safety and equilibrium.  There is so much suffering.

There are so many other people who have it much worse than me, suffering from debilitating bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses in various combinations. But if you suffer from mental health issues at all, I guess this post is for you.  I want you to know that I go through this shit and the next day still feel like shit.

If you are going through some shit and you don't have anyone to talk to, please email me or don't email me, but take one small step in a direction you know is good for you.  You'll need to build a team, but it starts by reaching out to one person and being open to change.  And it can change, things do improve.  In fact, things improve more amazingly than you can possibly imagine.  If you're at a place where you look into the tunnel and you don't see the light at the end, I just want to tell you that there is light, you just can't see it.  You can feel so depressed and sick that you are sure you are a fool, an idiot, that you have nothing to offer anyone, you have no reason to live; you can feel like you are flawed at a genetic level and that this flaw is penetrating and raw and more real than any possible hope, but it can change and the shape of your thoughts can change and you begin to start feeling good, really good about yourself, about your life.

These last few days, up to right now in this moment, have been rough and a reminder of how shitty things can feel, how uncertain and vulnerable.  But there is music and there is writing and there is love. The things you feel and the thoughts in your head can change.  You must know this.  If you are suffering right now in this moment, know that I love you, as a fellow being, alive and feeling.  I have felt pain and will continue to feel pain.  I have never felt and will never feel your pain, but I have felt pain and things have improved, exponentially.  This is possible for you. I believe this.

with love in the face of shit and mud and hopelessness, with love,
Anthony

wholehearted

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

In my last post I attempted to connect with you out there struggling mightily with some form of severe emotional distress: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, bi-polar, schizophrenia, addiction, to name a few.  I didn't offer any suggestions in my last post.  I purposefully did not offer any ideas for what to do because of something very true: I don't presume to know what will help lift you out of the mud.  On the other hand, in providing no resource I felt like I did not offer any support.  I know when I was in the throws of severe emotional distress, as much I hated anybody or anything that attempted to provide Advice, I desperately needed support.  So tonight, with this link, I offer a possibility, just one thing in forty billion.  However, if a video about worthiness, shame and vulnerability doesn't sound like your cup of tea, or if a video about worthiness, shame and vulnerability makes you want to vomit, by all means, leave it alone, let someone else walk down that path.

The link above takes you to a talk titled, "The Power of Vulnerability."  The gist is that human beings, bottom line, crave connection with other human beings; and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with other people actually allows you to connect more and better.  The talk is counter-intuitive and brilliant although it is unlikely to solve your problem.  It's just one stone on a path through a Japanese pond.  Of course, you may not like Koi.

with love,
Anthony

Paul Simon is not the Topic of Discussion

Paul Simon is not the Topic of Discussion.  He just released a new album.  April 11, 2011.  Beautiful day, so what.  I bought the album in Starbucks. (Take me to the stars with your green, wanderlusting, fucklebusting, neverlasting bucks, the bucks that don't pay bills.)  But Paul Simon is not the Topic of Discussion.  I want to talk about Emotion, or from Middle English, Emotione.  Emotion, the very word triggers a response: BE CAREFUL.  Don't talk about it too much, don't let those slippery emotions fall out of your stomach.  Be watchful, guarded, strong.  Flex your bicep and reject.  The whole thing needs a pentagon agency devoted to closing the door.

I was having this discussion in a taxi downtown, re-arranging my position on this friend of mine who had a little bit of a breakdown.

But I want to talk about emotion.  Emotion engulfs.  It ensnares.  It occupies, not directly, indirectly operating on your swirling mind.  How do we ease the incessant thinking?  How do we feel better?  There are many who have answers.  I guess that's all I want to say tonight.  There are many who have answers.  It's up to you to pick and choose and sort through the bullshit.  And when emotion slams down and pulverizes your brain like an anvil whipped across space and time, meshing with your frontal cortex (compassion), and leaves you near death, dazed, in a stupor, just fucking miserable, repulsed, disgusted with yourself and your life; when emotion powers the sicknesses of depression, anxiety, panic, attacks; when emotion runs out of control and leaves you a long way from wanting any fucking celebrity apprentice to magic-wand his way into your mind and fuck you with Advice.  When the sickness is so overpowering, the hospital starts to sound like a good place for an afternoon coffee, there are people who have answers.  It is up to you to sift through the bullshit and find the answers.  You probably won't want to start here.  But start somewhere.  Go out into the night of resistance and find something, one star in the night, one thing to hold on to.  And from there swing like Tarzan to the next star in the night.  Fight the instinct that it is in your DNA, that you are pre-emptively fucked from the beginning, that the sickness is real and everything else is shadow.  Go out and find one thing.  Just one thing.

with compassion,
and love,
Anthony