Explorations in Online Narcissism

Pictures of Tony Leonard

"the pictures are all I can feel"

Tony Leonard

Tony Leonard

Tony Leonard

Tony Leonard

Tony Leonard

Tony Leonard

Tony Leonard

zero down/full inevitable return

What do I want most in this world? Free expression. The peaceful resistance, push through it, open my ribcage like birds’ wings, my stomach, slice it with a scalpel. Blood. I want the openness to be the freedom. I don’t want to hold on anymore. You can fucking have it. You can fucking take it. Make it beautiful because where it sits inside me is disgusting like death come too early. No time for introspection, no time for final stages, grief, moments held like all of the power of gravity in your right hand, balled to fist, while the rooted trees and concrete sidewalks float up and away.

Push through all the no’s. All the bullshit. All the haters. All the disbelievers. I hope I can carry this weight all the way to the water and let it sit in the river, while I jump from high rocks. Enter the water feet first, at high speed. When I reach the point of zero down/full inevitable return, I’m suspended. I’m so in love it’s goofy. I flap my feet and push towards the oxygen. I’m afraid, but the rush is so sweet. The rush of the fall and the micro-movements to make sure my entry is without head smacking rocks, bloodied.

Listening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9CuZD69pJ8

Camera Obscura's Latest Album "Desire Lines"

(I'm having shoulder surgery in less than 7 hours. It's 12:22 am.)

Camera Obscura
Desire Lines

cool, rhythmic, jazzy, soulful, soft, mellow, Scottish pop music: plenty of quips, barbs, humour, melody, stories, self-deprecation, heartbreak, squish squish, plenty of poems, squish squish, I love this music, I have since "Underachievers Please Try Harder". Is there a better album title? Is there a better album? It was a record in Prospect Park I listened to and felt better. It might be the one album that I associate with a good time in my life. laugh out loud. The Tea Lounge cafe in Park Slope, 7th and Union, where I went with my loneliness, and my loneliness left me to talk to the hot barista for a while so I could listen to Camera Obscura or maybe stream an Oakland A's game when mlb.tv was in its infancy. I love this music. And now Desire Lines, with its unsurprisingly beautiful cover art, and its surprisingly groovy first two tracks. You're like "damn, that's kindof Jay-Zesque". Ok, no. nobody says that. But, Curtis Mayfield, yes, definitely yes, and I'm thinking of the song "So In Love". Camera Obscura brought a surprising groove to the potluck at my house, and it makes me feel damn happy again, again at a good time in my life.

Camera Obscura
Desire Lines

with love in lines of desire,
Anthony

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESTd0AHkzlQ

Jazz and the Wes Montgomery Anomaly

I've never really been into Jazz. I always thought it was too complicated. Give me the simple, funky bass lines of Bob Marley and the Wailers, a fat Tupac beat or the simple three chord folk songs of Woody Guthrie. But Jazz, it never really lit me up.

Many of my friends and acquaintances love Jazz. Many people suggested I listen to John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Duke Ellington, Thelonious Monk, Charlie Parker, Dave Brubeck, Art Blakey...the list goes on and on. I've always felt that jazz musicians are the most intellectual and probably the "best" musicians. I hold them in higher regard than the best classical musicians. Obviously it would be impossible to say who was more gifted: Mozart or Coltrane. But most of the time, I'll go with the jazz musician. The technical ability combined with the ability to understand the foundation of a piece of music and then be able to improvise is mind blowing. I have John Coltrane's "Blue Train" and Miles Davis' "Kind of Blue". But my relationship with jazz is much more one of almost detached appreciation rather than soul squishing enthusiasm.

This changed recently when I listened to Wes Montgomery for the first time. Two people I respect maybe most in the world when it comes to music (music period, regardless of genre or ability) are my friends Alex Gedeon and Lyn Hinegardner. In another post I will explain why. When these two talk about music, each in their own very different way, I listen. Alex once told me, a while back, that he bought his first guitar after listening to Wes Montgomery. He wanted to be Wes Montgomery. He wanted to play jazz guitar brilliantly with his thumb in place of a pick like Wes Montgomery. I found out more recently, last Saturday night to be specific, that Lyn also bought a guitar many years ago with the hope of playing guitar like Wes Montgomery.

I should have at least checked out Wes Montgomery after hearing it inspired Alex to start playing and go buy a guitar. But it wasn't until Lyn also relayed her deep appreciation for this man's music and playing that I finally got wise. I'm a slow, slow learner so often. Lyn and Alex don't know each other, and they play and appreciate such different music, which made this even more amazing to me. And if asked, I never would have guessed Wes Montgomery played such a significant role in their musical lives. It's so cool.

So finally this last week, I went on iTunes, did some quick research, purchased "Incredible Jazz Guitar", supposedly one of Montgomery's early and important albums. Then I finally understood. Ah ha. Ok. This dude, man, there is just something different. He plays with more soul, his notes hit harder, like a Bob Marley bass line or a funky rap beat. And, of course, now I'm like, what is my problem? I need to go back and listen again to Charlie Parker, Ornette Coleman, Coltrane, Davis, all the Jazz greats. It's amazing how one musician can open (or re-open, in my case) an entire genre of music. And as a music lover, this experience reminds me how important and necessary it is to listen to and draw inspiration from all forms of music, from all over the world. I'll need to do a blog on Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn or Fela Kuti or Philip Glass or the many other musicians who we don't hear on mainstream music outlets here in the U.S. yet who have significantly impacted so many great mainstream artists. And more importantly, whose music is just incredible.

Don't be stupid like me, go out and buy "Incredible Jazz Guitar", "Tequila", "Live at the Tsubo-Berkeley, CA" or any other album by Wes Montgomery. You'll be giving yourself a gift.

with love for the opening of hearts to new music, and to the special music and playing of self-taught Wes Montgomery,
Anthony

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZDs3KgnQJk

Elliott Smith: Love Songs, (Los) Angeles and Suicide?

"i can make you satisfied in everything you do"

Elliott Smith died on October 21, 2003, at the age of 34. It was my understanding that he committed suicide. He died from two stab wounds to the chest. Reading his wikipedia article, I was surprised to learn that there is at least some doubt about whether or not it was suicide. The Los Angeles police declared the autopsy inconclusive. The case remains open. In reading the article, it's hard to believe Elliott Smith did not commit suicide. He had a long history of extreme depression, anxiety, paranoia and drug addiction. My quick internet search me convinced he died by his own hands. Of course, I could be wrong.

Like many others, but not all, I was introduced to Elliott Smith's music through Good Will Hunting, the movie and soundtrack that featured five of his songs, including the song Angeles. Angeles hurts to listen, it soaks blood, it leaves readers in a universe of tension between the luck of the draw and the scientific skill involved in the quest for love.

For all the lonely, shy geniuses out there playing music on a stage that fills you with horrific fear, my wish for you is only that you find peace. On or off stage. Your music may be beautiful. But your life is more valuable.

Sometimes the pain is so deep and terrible, there is only one end. Inevitable, we who can bare our lives watch as our loved ones, whether they be far or near, choose to end things on their terms, even if the terms, the words, the phrases, the decisions are impossible to make sense of, irrational, delusional. They make the decision. We suffer. They suffered.

My heart is open, delusional and feeling the pain as I listen to this ghost song on repeat. Angeles. As in, Los Angeles? I don't know. The city of angels takes another addict into a heaven that only exists in the music that remains.

"and be forever with my poison arms around you"

with love for all that is done to prevent suicide (1-800-273-8255 - national suicide prevention hotline),
Anthony

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La8Y6n0oqz0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMSU4QDbdew

someone's always coming around here trailing some new kill
says i seen your picture on a hundred dollar bill
what's a game of chance to you, to him is one of real skill
so glad to meet you
angeles
picking up the ticket shows there's money to be made
go on and lose the gamble that's the history of the trade
did you add up all the cards left to play to zero
and sign up with evil
angeles
don't start me trying now
cos i'm all over it
angeles
i could make you satisfied in everything you do
all your 'secret wishes' could right now be coming true
and be forever with my poison arms around you
no one's gonna fool around with us
no one's gonna fool around with us
so glad to meet you
angeles

(Lyrics courtesy of http://www.sweetadeline.net/langeles.html)

White Male Privilege; White Male Grief

"How many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn't see." - Bob Dylan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CwS60ykM8s

I encourage you to watch this TEDxTalk by Professor at SFSU (my alma mader) and High School Teacher in East Oakland, Jeff Duncan-Andrade. My thoughts below are inspired and contextualized in part by this TEDxTalk.

===================

There are many great white men who have throughout History done amazing things to help oppressed people. Pete Seeger, Woody Guthrie, Tim Wise, Subcomandante Marcos, my friend Guthrie Brown Fleischman come immediately to mind. So too do the unnamed white men who walked with black men and women side by side during the Civil Rights Movement, white men who faced the violence of other white men, police with batons and guns. Some of these white men, just a few, died acting on their convictions. John Brown's name is often thrown around, but from my limited knowledge of his history, he seemed a bit looney. But that is the History of white men in the United States: lunacy, insanity, horrific decision making that led, that continues to lead, to the tragic deaths of people of color in this wonderful, sparkling country of ours. Unlike John Brown, 99.999% of the white male lunacy in the History of this country caused harm to people of color, and did not attempt to provide them greater freedom. As Marc Anthony sang this week, God Bless America.

But tonight I'm not here to judge or yell at white men for being stupid or evil. I want to reach out to my living white brothers whose hearts are broken just for being white. On one side of the coin, whiteness is a wretched thing. White men inherit a History of the slave trade; slavery; lynchings; the Klu Klux Klan; the systematic policies of US and US State governments extermination of Native Americans: the definition of genocide; the multitude of white men, many representatives of the US Government, who have taken land, killed in mass numbers and continue to dehumanize Latinos; the white masters who brutally worked so many Chinese immigrants to their deaths while building the train tracks that would help propel this nation into its current place of wealth and power.

There are white men across this nation, young men, children, who now feel the wretchedness of their white skin. That white men across this nation now feel pain for being white is the victory of people of color and their struggles for justice and equality. The Civil Rights Movement can claim a piece of that victory. More and more white people are beginning to understand that white isn't the "norm". Whiteness is slowly becoming visible.

To you white men whose hearts are broken because of the History of whiteness, allow yourself the space to feel this sadness, this tragedy of History. This takes a great deal of strength and courage. You must allow yourself to exist outside the hyper-masculine stereotype of a man that destroys your right to shed tears. You must be allowed to feel, to feel this pain and wretchedness. In this process, you will need love and support. I certainly did. It is not you. You are not to blame. Black people know all too well what it means to be born into History with a certain skin color and what that skin color means today. Black people are not the racist black stereotypes that remain ubiquitous in our society. And young white man, you are not to blame once you come to realize the horrific significance of being white in this country.

I empathize. I went through this process myself, am still going through it. I send my love and support to you in your grief.

Simultaneously, I must demand that you do NOT take this sadness and do nothing. On the other side of the same coin mentioned above, whiteness: having white skin and being identified by others as white in this country, brings with it great privilege, one that people of color do not share. If we white men do nothing, we perpetuate the status quo. The current status quo leads to the unnecessary murders of innocent black children. The nationally televised examples are Oscar Grant and Trayvon Martin. But there are examples of these senseless murders every day. Recently, here in Oakland, Alaysha Carradine, an eight-year-old African-American little girl nicknamed "Butterfly", was shot multiple times when she went to answer the door during a sleep over with two of her little friends. Alaysha was a human being, eight years old, African-American, innocent and now dead.

For those of you white folk still not sold on this idea of white male privilege, those skeptics among you, let me provide a basic, personal example, nothing as serious as homicide, but possibly something you can see:

I am a white male. When I go to a Subway Restaurant, the first thing I do is grab a bag of Sun Chips, open it and start eating it in the store. I'm waiting in line. I'm usually wearing a "professional" button down shirt and khakis. The employees at Subway, and I have been to various Subway restaurants hundreds of times in my life, have never once asked me to pay for that bag of chips first, before eating it. They have never once stared at me with a look of distrust, worried that I might just eat the bag of chips and leave. Now imagine an African-American male teenager in a hoodie walking into a Subway Restaurant and opening a bag of chips before paying for it. Would the Subway employees or store owner allow this young black man to continue to eat the Sun Chips? Would they smile at the black man? I believe the answer to these two questions is no. Would they stare, worried, and demand that the young black man pay for the chips before opening them? From my observations and experience, the answer is yes.

This is one small but critical example of white male privilege.  Professor Duncan-Andrade, in his TedxTalk, discusses a more serious, life and death example of white male privilege. White males and their children who live in Oakland are extremely unlikely to be victims of homicide. Homicide in the City of Oakland and the Island of Piedmont is a tragedy that radically and disproportionately kills mostly young African-Americans and Latinos. The percentage of white victims of homicide over the last three years in Oakland is roughly 3%, probably lower. (This statistic is based on my web research. I couldn't find any website, report or article that gave the exact percentage.)

The sadness that we feel, even momentarily, for being born white must be freed and expressed. This is when the personal healing begins, when we acknowledge the powerful privilege of whiteness in this country, when we begin to call attention to it, when we begin to work humbly with people of color, to listen, to take responsibility for our privilege and we begin to do something to give it up. By giving up our privilege, we take steps toward equality. If we do nothing, as I said, but it bears repeating, we perpetuate the status quo and the killings of innocent people of color continue.

with love for the expression of sadness and the tenacity to fundamentally change the meaning of being white,
Anthony

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWwgrjjIMXA - Blowin' In The Wind

My irrational fear of Black men (because I grew up in the United States and I'm white and it's also my fault)

Frank Somerville, Channel 2 news man, and frequent facebook poster, recently posted a photo of a group of younger black men having a BBQ and playing dominos on Telegraph Ave., in Oakland, I believe.  Frank, being the charming guy that he is, decided to stop his car and chat with the young African-American men. In his post with the photo of the guys, Frank says something like "this is what the 4th of July is all about. Friends getting together to BBQ and enjoy the day." It was the 4th of July, so that part made perfect sense.

My first response was one of utter happiness.  I was so impressed that this white, extremely clean-cut (he's a newscaster) guy would stop his car and get out and chat with the Black guys.  I felt like that was something that I would want to do, but wouldn't do out of fear.  What if the guys are thugs?  But that thinking, "What if the guys are thugs?" is produced in part by my experience growing up in an upper-middle class neighborhood predominately populated by white people with just a few Black people, and the fact that the US/California/Bay Area is still extremely racist (here I'm mainly referring to structural racism, the kind that keeps disproportionate numbers of Black men, women and children in neighborhoods with greater crime, less access to quality education, healthcare and job opportunity). I must emphatically point out that this stereotype of the "scary black male" that has infected me, is in my experience, absolutely wrong.  I will discuss more below.

In any case, I was impressed with Frank, first of all, for stopping on his way to work for anything other than an emergency.  Who does this?! I guess you have to be a reporter to do this.  And more importantly, he stopped in a "sketchy" neighborhood, got out of a car and was like, "Hello young Black BBQers!".

This made me emotional.  I felt like, "Go Frank!" because he confirmed my beliefs that these young black "thugs" (my word choice - from the fear mentioned above) were actually really nice, cool dudes, just relaxing having a BBQ, playing dominos, enjoying a beautiful day off.

This is something that eats me inside: the knowledge that black men who appear scary to me are in almost all cases decent, kind people.  They're human. With families, a desire to do better for themselves and their loved ones.  It hurts that I am afraid of certain Black men I don't know. This, of course, depends so much on context. There are so many Black men who I am not afraid of and who I know to be loving caring human beings. It hurts that I have to actually write that Black men are Human.  But it is my belief that in the United States Black men are still not considered 100% human by the majority or people in this country.  Black men were invited to participate in this country as 3/5 of a person, and they are struggling, still, to get to 100%.  Let me be clear again, Black men are 100% Human. Their not being viewed as such is the continued historical product of a the white majority's inability enact laws that protect their humanity and participate in business practices that help their humanity flourish and even do what Frank did (even though I have issues with what Frank did, which I will get to below), make a personal effort to connect on an equal basis.  I wish I would do what Frank did more often.  I have a desire to connect with scary black men, and see first hand what is so evident to me from a distance: their inherent humanity and love.  It makes me feel critically wounded and hellof sad.

(Art courtesy of the brilliant Kara Walker - http://learn.walkerart.org/karawalker)

Frank posted a couple days later that he got a lot of feedback from the BBQ post, and he said like 99% of it was positive.  But some astute (my word) people mentioned that the post was a tad bit insulting (as I'm sure some people will find my posting).  Frank quoted some posts where people were like, "Frank you stopped and realized Black people are nice.  Good for you." That was me paraphrasing.  This is me continuing to paraphrase, "Frankie the white man, shows up and the Black guys are like "Here are some ribs! Come play dominos with us Frank!" Frank has a quick, 15 minute interaction and he's back to his life free from all the perils of living where these black men live"""" (These extra quotation marks are just there because it got to be hellof quotes and it was annoying me.)  These people are right.  Frank, the well-to-do white guy, stops his nice car, doesn't get car jacked and feels compelled to post about it.  But as a fellow well-to-do white guy, Frank's actions are actually important and inspirational to me.  Even if it was naive, Frank made an effort to connect that so many white folks don't make.

Unfortunately, Frank in his response to the "negative" responses was all like "I look forward to the day when it's not about colour."(British usage on purpose to give impression of greater intelligence and to honor Andy Murray on his Wimbledon win).  Frank.  Frank. Shit's gonna be about color for a long, long time. It's been about color for a long fucking time and shit like that doesn't just stop.  SCOTUS, if you are reading, and you should be reading The Existential Porcupine, that bright-line when Affirmative Action is no longer necessary isn't here yet, we're not even close.  We need lots and lots of Affirmative Action, the same kind that his wiseness, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. championed during his lifetime (google "Operation Breadbasket", if you're not familiar).  The goals of equality, justice and respect still remain and still remain unfulfilled. Oh and SCOTUS, gutting the voting rights act didn't help.  Yes, I believe that things have improved greatly for African-Americans in this country from the time they were slaves.  But we, I emphasize the we, all of us, have a lot more work to do.  A LOT more work to do.  And thank you to all of you who spend everyday doing this work.

But back to Frank.  I love you Frank. I love that you stopped your car and got out and made an effort to  connect with those young men.  At the end of the day, I got nothing but love for you Frank and for those young men.  It serves as another reminder that I must continue to be willing to feel uncomfortable, recognize my white privilege in all its manifestations.  I need to continue to reach out to young Black men especially when my first reaction is one of fear.  I need to do my part in the continued effort to mitigate the great damage history left to us, i.e. work towards ending racial inequality, and work towards eradicating the false stereotype of the scary black man.

with love for Frank and the Black Men he posted about,
Anthony

So Here We Are

(For much more eloquent writings on these and other related topics, please check out Michael Eric Dyson and Time Wise.  Their links are on the main page, to the right.)