I'm retiring. From performing and writing music, and from writing. I'm done, exhauseted. I want to sleep and eat and watch the San Francisco Giants. However, I am not retiring from promoting The Show! I'm going to keep promoting that bitch voraciously. You can't keep me off those bases. I'm going to steal second and third. And The Show! is going to pop.
But as far as my own music is concerned, I'm done. I played Second Sundays on Sunday and sucked. I tried to play Bob Dylan's, "Like a Rolling Stone," Bob Marley's, "Stir It Up," and Bruce Springsteen's, "I'm On Fire". I absolutely butchered Like a Rolling Stone. I took a friendly cow and slaughtered it, thrashed about with my voice off key, off pitch, in the wrong neighborhood, samurai'ing the friendly cow, sliced lower intestines and blood everywhere.
Yes, you could argue Bob Dylan does the same thing, but I am not Bob Dylan. Mine was just bad. It was kindof of a self-fulling prophecy. No, let me re-phrase that. I didn't practice enough. I didn't prepare enough. And yes, it's both ambitious and insane to play what many believe to be the greatest rock song ever. But you gotta do it, right? Wrong. At least learn to play the chords right, and sing in key, and not suck. The other two songs got progressively better. I'm On Fire was okay, and Stir It Up was decent. With Stir It Up, I didn't try to sound like Bob Marley, and I actually thought I sang well. I love that song so much. I just love that song.
And I'm done as a writer. It's too hard, and I can't deal with any type of critical feedback. I'm soft, like the belly of a whale. Writing is too hard. You have to do TWO drafts. That's just too hard. Call me what you like, but I'm retiring.
I've had a great run. I've been published in the Albany Patch. You can actually link to my articles just over there, to the right, on this page. And I've got another article in the hopper, all ready to go. Just waiting on my editor to give it the green light. I'm hoping before 2013.
Musically, I'm an award winning performer at Second Sundays. They love me there. I'm absolutely critical to the ongoing success of Second Sundays. They gave me the Best Supporting Performer award. In all seriousness, I got a small, plastic, director's bull horn, non-amplified. That was the award. It said my name on it and it said Best Supporting Actor or Performer, I don't remember which. But the point is I've had great success. It's time to hang up the cleats.
I may come out of retirement at some point. But right now, I'm done. I'm just too tired to play music. And writing is just too hard, any writer will tell you that.
I love you, from the depths of my failures,
Anthony
I love this soooooooooooooooooooo much:
Bob Marley - "Stir It Up"
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The Show!
I put together and am now promoting The Show! The Show! features Starr Saunders, Gyasi Ross and Katie Ekin. You can link to all of their music below. The Show! will be at The Hotel Utah on Thursday, June 14th. It starts at 8:30pm, and the cover is $10. Come! It's going to be fun. : )
I felt compelled to put together this show and try to make it real after seeing Gyasi, Katie and Starr each play at "Second Sundays," the singer/songwriter showcase that I've been playing, once a month, over the last six months or so. I'm a beginner, so I always go first. But the performers in The Show! are the ones who go much later in the afternoon as the talent and experience balloons. Starr is one of the co-hosts of Second Sundays, so I've seen her perform many times and love her performances. Anthony Martinez is the other co-host of Second Sundays. I wanted him to be a part of The Show! too. And he was absolutely down. But he found out that his little brother's high school graduation falls on the same night as the show. When he told me this I was bummed, depressed for a couple days. Anthony is part of the glue that I had originally envisioned, when the idea of The Show! first popped into my head. But I've come to accept that Anthony won't be there, and I greatly appreciate his priorities. I know, absolutely know that Anthony will be there in spirit. He is one of the kindest, most positive, supportive and musically talented people I know. I could tell when he called me to tell me he wasn't going to be able to play that he was genuinely bummed, too. Being the stand-up guy that he is, he's remained committed to promoting the show, and he's going to try and come after the graduation. The great thing is that, assuming this show goes well (I'm working hard on my positive thinking) so assuming it goes well, we'll have more leverage with venues to do another show and Anthony can be a part of The Show II, but we won't call it that, cause that is a shit name. It will be altogether different, but make sure to take all of the great parts from the first one.
I just really want you to know, fair reader, that I care deeply about this show. I've worked hard to make it real. You can go to the Hotel Utah website and see The Show! on their website (see below). On June 14th, Starr, Gyasi and Katie are going to play their beautiful, upbeat, organic, powerful, light, brilliant music. This wouldn't have happened (I'm shifting into the future, post-June 14th) had it not been for my passion and skill, putting together an email and selling this idea to the booker at the Hotel Utah, who doesn't know me from Samantha. The day Keith, the booker for the Utah, wrote me and confirmed we were on was an extremely happy day for me. I put a lot on the line, and now it is going to happen. I'm not writing this to highlight what an amazing person I am. I'm writing this because I care so deeply about this show. It goes straight to my gut.
I got pretty involved in the local music scene when I lived in nyc, circa 2006. I managed a band, I put on shows, including a benefit show I was really proud of, I interned at a major label (Virgin) and an indy label (Velour). I was completely driven to make the band I managed, Paragraph, into a national phenomenon. My model was The Strokes. I felt like Paragraph had that kindof talent and chemistry. Things didn't work out how I wanted, at the time. But, fuck, I learned a lot. I learned a lot the hard way, trying to chase the cats and get coffee and feeling one moment of euphoria at a Paragraph show because I loved the music so much and the next day feeling totally depressed and despondent because I couldn't get them to agree on a logo, or even get in touch with them. But I don't blame them, they were like 19. I loved them, I love them today. I believe in them today. They are no longer all together in a band called Paragraph, but they are still pursuing creative endeavors. I have so much love for and faith in those guys.
For a bunch of reasons, when I moved back to the Bay Area from nyc in the summer of 2007 I didn't want to get involved in music. Mostly because I was suffering, dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and thick depression. It took 4-5 years to even begin feeling "normal" again. And thank the mysterious songs I replace God with that I got better at all. So many people don't recover. Many end their own lives. It's a tragedy. But you know this.
As I started to feel better, music started to creep back into my life. But this time I was playing, and when Anthony invited my to play Second Sundays, I thought he was insane, a bad decision maker, and not a good judge of talent. But I said hell yes. Let me get up there and feel that terror. And fortunately through that experience, I met Starr, Gyasi, and Katie. I won't go on and on about much I love their music here. But you can assume it runs deep. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to bring people together with live music I love. Other people are not compelled to do this. It's not good or bad. It just is. I want people to hear wonderful music and be next to each other and feel connected to each other. The first time I heard Gyasi play at Second Sundays, towards the end of his set, he had everybody sing along with him. It helped that a lot of the audience were performers of various levels, but damn that was a beautiful thing, hearing everyone sing together, with Gyasi leading us. I want people to feel that connection.
To make The Show! a success I brought in one of my colleagues from UC Berkeley. Yasya is like my business partner, only we don't have a business. But she brings the tenacity, passion, intelligence, follow-thorugh and love of music that I believe are necessary to be successful in the music business. I'm so excited to see what is possible with Yasya and I working together to promote local, gifted musicians.
So come. In all seriousness, I would love it if you take the time out of your insanely busy schedules, put Thursday, June 14th on your calendar, come out to the Utah and be a part of this. Like I said, I want to do a second show. But first we got to blow this one up. I want to create energy and momentum with this show and build. I dream big, but it takes small, specific, concrete steps to make dreams real.
with a profound love of music and its possibilities,
Anthony
The Show! Hotel Utah link:
http://www.hotelutah.com/event/120445/
The Show! My Facebook invite:
http://www.facebook.com/events/227520307347410/
Gyasi Ross Music (he just released a new album, like today!)
http://gyasiross.bandcamp.com/album/by-any-means?autoplay=true
(I recommend starting with Track 4, "Doing Fine". I love this song.)
Starr Saunders
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Starr-Saunders-Music/279245728771647?sk=app_2405167945
(I love this song, co-written with the also brilliant Robert Lindsey)
Katie Ekin
http://www.facebook.com/katieekin/app_178091127385?ref=ts
("Cuckoo" is amazing, as are all of Katie's songs.)
I felt compelled to put together this show and try to make it real after seeing Gyasi, Katie and Starr each play at "Second Sundays," the singer/songwriter showcase that I've been playing, once a month, over the last six months or so. I'm a beginner, so I always go first. But the performers in The Show! are the ones who go much later in the afternoon as the talent and experience balloons. Starr is one of the co-hosts of Second Sundays, so I've seen her perform many times and love her performances. Anthony Martinez is the other co-host of Second Sundays. I wanted him to be a part of The Show! too. And he was absolutely down. But he found out that his little brother's high school graduation falls on the same night as the show. When he told me this I was bummed, depressed for a couple days. Anthony is part of the glue that I had originally envisioned, when the idea of The Show! first popped into my head. But I've come to accept that Anthony won't be there, and I greatly appreciate his priorities. I know, absolutely know that Anthony will be there in spirit. He is one of the kindest, most positive, supportive and musically talented people I know. I could tell when he called me to tell me he wasn't going to be able to play that he was genuinely bummed, too. Being the stand-up guy that he is, he's remained committed to promoting the show, and he's going to try and come after the graduation. The great thing is that, assuming this show goes well (I'm working hard on my positive thinking) so assuming it goes well, we'll have more leverage with venues to do another show and Anthony can be a part of The Show II, but we won't call it that, cause that is a shit name. It will be altogether different, but make sure to take all of the great parts from the first one.
I just really want you to know, fair reader, that I care deeply about this show. I've worked hard to make it real. You can go to the Hotel Utah website and see The Show! on their website (see below). On June 14th, Starr, Gyasi and Katie are going to play their beautiful, upbeat, organic, powerful, light, brilliant music. This wouldn't have happened (I'm shifting into the future, post-June 14th) had it not been for my passion and skill, putting together an email and selling this idea to the booker at the Hotel Utah, who doesn't know me from Samantha. The day Keith, the booker for the Utah, wrote me and confirmed we were on was an extremely happy day for me. I put a lot on the line, and now it is going to happen. I'm not writing this to highlight what an amazing person I am. I'm writing this because I care so deeply about this show. It goes straight to my gut.
I got pretty involved in the local music scene when I lived in nyc, circa 2006. I managed a band, I put on shows, including a benefit show I was really proud of, I interned at a major label (Virgin) and an indy label (Velour). I was completely driven to make the band I managed, Paragraph, into a national phenomenon. My model was The Strokes. I felt like Paragraph had that kindof talent and chemistry. Things didn't work out how I wanted, at the time. But, fuck, I learned a lot. I learned a lot the hard way, trying to chase the cats and get coffee and feeling one moment of euphoria at a Paragraph show because I loved the music so much and the next day feeling totally depressed and despondent because I couldn't get them to agree on a logo, or even get in touch with them. But I don't blame them, they were like 19. I loved them, I love them today. I believe in them today. They are no longer all together in a band called Paragraph, but they are still pursuing creative endeavors. I have so much love for and faith in those guys.
For a bunch of reasons, when I moved back to the Bay Area from nyc in the summer of 2007 I didn't want to get involved in music. Mostly because I was suffering, dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and thick depression. It took 4-5 years to even begin feeling "normal" again. And thank the mysterious songs I replace God with that I got better at all. So many people don't recover. Many end their own lives. It's a tragedy. But you know this.
As I started to feel better, music started to creep back into my life. But this time I was playing, and when Anthony invited my to play Second Sundays, I thought he was insane, a bad decision maker, and not a good judge of talent. But I said hell yes. Let me get up there and feel that terror. And fortunately through that experience, I met Starr, Gyasi, and Katie. I won't go on and on about much I love their music here. But you can assume it runs deep. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to bring people together with live music I love. Other people are not compelled to do this. It's not good or bad. It just is. I want people to hear wonderful music and be next to each other and feel connected to each other. The first time I heard Gyasi play at Second Sundays, towards the end of his set, he had everybody sing along with him. It helped that a lot of the audience were performers of various levels, but damn that was a beautiful thing, hearing everyone sing together, with Gyasi leading us. I want people to feel that connection.
To make The Show! a success I brought in one of my colleagues from UC Berkeley. Yasya is like my business partner, only we don't have a business. But she brings the tenacity, passion, intelligence, follow-thorugh and love of music that I believe are necessary to be successful in the music business. I'm so excited to see what is possible with Yasya and I working together to promote local, gifted musicians.
So come. In all seriousness, I would love it if you take the time out of your insanely busy schedules, put Thursday, June 14th on your calendar, come out to the Utah and be a part of this. Like I said, I want to do a second show. But first we got to blow this one up. I want to create energy and momentum with this show and build. I dream big, but it takes small, specific, concrete steps to make dreams real.
with a profound love of music and its possibilities,
Anthony
The Show! Hotel Utah link:
http://www.hotelutah.com/event/120445/
The Show! My Facebook invite:
http://www.facebook.com/events/227520307347410/
Gyasi Ross Music (he just released a new album, like today!)
http://gyasiross.bandcamp.com/album/by-any-means?autoplay=true
(I recommend starting with Track 4, "Doing Fine". I love this song.)
Starr Saunders
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Starr-Saunders-Music/279245728771647?sk=app_2405167945
(I love this song, co-written with the also brilliant Robert Lindsey)
Katie Ekin
http://www.facebook.com/katieekin/app_178091127385?ref=ts
("Cuckoo" is amazing, as are all of Katie's songs.)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
How Do I Know (Here We Go Magic (This Is the Moment))
How Do I Know
This is the moment. The moment planets collide and explode light that rains down on the sidewalks of urban streets in happy glow beams. Cracked sidewalks that take the moment and reflect it back to the sun, rays of light meeting in an embrace, hands and wrists interlocking -- bigger things. This is the moment of sunlight and freedom. This is the moment she sings a song of delight and complexity, sweet songs of mystery falling down on mankind, humankind. This is the moment of honesty where no beer commercial will follow, no scantily clad young woman to stimulate and confuse your desire. This is a moment when your love is your love, your truth in love. This is the moment of your gut winning the day. The erudition of instinct. This is the moment of kindness. This is the moment of ART in the face of death. This is the moment. It is a moment of truth, truth and song. This is the moment we crave, a moment of Dostoyevsky happily ushering in the embrace. This is a moment of learning and safety, of honest decay. This is a moment of simplicity. This is a moment of sunshine. This is a moment of secrets and shame set free into the wild heart of a lover; this is a blazing moment of acceptance...for all things we are and all things we are not. This is a blazing moment of justice and babies. This is a moment of babies circling the wagons in song. This is a moment of hallelujah. This is surely a moment of love, big bright window panes, sunlight, love, midnight, a surreal ephemeral amphibious underwater adolescent kiss -- big hurt and hugs -- sets shock waves through fault lines. This is a moment of platitudes conquering and slashing through the soft belly flesh of (literary) criticism. This is one brilliant moment of freedom, separation, angst, rebellion and coming together again.
This is a moment of love,
Anthony
This is the moment. The moment planets collide and explode light that rains down on the sidewalks of urban streets in happy glow beams. Cracked sidewalks that take the moment and reflect it back to the sun, rays of light meeting in an embrace, hands and wrists interlocking -- bigger things. This is the moment of sunlight and freedom. This is the moment she sings a song of delight and complexity, sweet songs of mystery falling down on mankind, humankind. This is the moment of honesty where no beer commercial will follow, no scantily clad young woman to stimulate and confuse your desire. This is a moment when your love is your love, your truth in love. This is the moment of your gut winning the day. The erudition of instinct. This is the moment of kindness. This is the moment of ART in the face of death. This is the moment. It is a moment of truth, truth and song. This is the moment we crave, a moment of Dostoyevsky happily ushering in the embrace. This is a moment of learning and safety, of honest decay. This is a moment of simplicity. This is a moment of sunshine. This is a moment of secrets and shame set free into the wild heart of a lover; this is a blazing moment of acceptance...for all things we are and all things we are not. This is a blazing moment of justice and babies. This is a moment of babies circling the wagons in song. This is a moment of hallelujah. This is surely a moment of love, big bright window panes, sunlight, love, midnight, a surreal ephemeral amphibious underwater adolescent kiss -- big hurt and hugs -- sets shock waves through fault lines. This is a moment of platitudes conquering and slashing through the soft belly flesh of (literary) criticism. This is one brilliant moment of freedom, separation, angst, rebellion and coming together again.
This is a moment of love,
Anthony
Sunday, April 29, 2012
My Writing Class: A Follow-Up
Writing class is going well again. I had class tonight. Everyone is nice. I had a nice chat with the fellow who I described as being mean in the last post. He is friendly. The women in the class are all different and not mean. I had an excellent chat with one woman about the music industry. The teacher is really great. It was also nice to have other people workshop their stories and not be the one in the spotlight and gore.
In my last posting, you may have noticed that I did not sign off with love.
I love you all times Godzilla,
Anthony
p.s. - I may add to this posting. But for all of you who read my blog everyday, there is no one who does this, I wanted to give you an update, as I'm sure you were worried.
p.p.s. - This is me adding to this post:
Cults - "Oh My God"
p.p.p.s - This is me continuing to add to this post:
"New Harmony" by Paul Klee
In my last posting, you may have noticed that I did not sign off with love.
I love you all times Godzilla,
Anthony
p.s. - I may add to this posting. But for all of you who read my blog everyday, there is no one who does this, I wanted to give you an update, as I'm sure you were worried.
p.p.s. - This is me adding to this post:
Cults - "Oh My God"
p.p.p.s - This is me continuing to add to this post:
"New Harmony" by Paul Klee
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Pain of Feedback in the Process of Writing
I started going to a writing class two Sundays ago. It's on Sunday night, from 7-9:30pm. I signed up for the writing class because I'm working on a short story and I wanted to get feedback. Oh, I got some feedback. I got lots of feedback. I got beat up by 13 women. There are not actually 13 women in the class, maybe 10. But it seemed everyone of them and the three other men in the class thought my story was shit. Nobody could understand anything; everything was confusing. The class is supposed to start by discussing things they liked in the story or things they thought the author did well. For the first two people who shared their stories on Sunday, one man and one woman, this positive part of the discussion lasted a good 15 minutes. For me, one woman said, sincerely, that she enjoyed the awkwardness of my story. I put the characters in awkward situations, and she liked this. It was a really nice comment. Then immediately the questions and criticisms started to fill the room. My positive part lasted one person.
One of my goals with this short story was to make it simple. I wrote a short story previously that had two intertwined narratives, and I got some feedback that the dual narratives needed to be made more clear, the reader wanted to know why the two narratives belonged to the same story. In any case, I set out to write a more straightforward story this time. I figured, I'm a beginner, I should start simple and then build complexity as I write more short stories and maybe eventually a novel.
Back in class this one big dude, who also had his story work-shopped the same night, said, "this may be a little blunt, but what is this story about?". He went on to explain that the reason many of the other classmates were confused was probably because the central theme of my story is not clear. And you know, he's probably right. But fuck, what a shitty thing to say. That shit hurts. It feels like being punched. I felt like I brought this really ugly, dead baby to the party, and everyone else brought really expensive silverware, and everyone was like "shit man! why the fuck did you bring that dead, ugly baby! jesus man, that's so not cool." This big guy is an astonishingly good writer. He wrote this very dark story. Each sentence was unique. He displayed mastery of complex sentence structure and an ability to mix in simple sentences. It was obvious he had worked HARD and spent TIME WORKING HARD to produce a short story that didn't have a single cliche or familiar idiom, at least that's what it felt like. His vocabulary is (I'm having a hard time finding the right word) large (that is such a shitty word for this sentence). He is young, probably about 23, white, pretty buff and tall. He's kindof shy, but smart as hell, so when he speaks, he speaks with force. He's a writer, so he's probably also super sensitive; I don't doubt that. Our class work-shopped his story before mine and many of my classmates had very good things to say about his story. I, too, told him how impressive his writing was.
HOWEVER, I said, his story lacked an emotional core. This is not surprising, as I think at this point in his young life, he's all intellect and hasn't yet figured out how to be emotionally vulnerable or write stories that have some emotional vulnerability. But maybe he hates emotional vulnerability. Many people do. Maybe he will still be a great and successful writer and never find the emotional core. What the fuck is an emotional core? I could probably define it if I tried really hard, but I don't have the energy at the moment. So while I did heap praise on the young man, I also told him his story didn't have an emotional core, and I wasn't sure where the center was. He could be a postmodernist (I am a postmodernist, too) and reject the idea of centers (not like basketball, in basketball centers are still very important, at least to the stupid Golden State Warriors). But I told him I was confused with his story, even though it was written brilliantly, in a way. But I don't my criticism provoked him into asking me, "what is your story about" in this tone of voice that communicated, "Jesus, man, get your shit together, what the fuck is this shit about?! If I've got to read this shit, then you better be goddamn clear what the fuck this story is about." I'm totally exaggerating how mean this young man was. He's actually not that mean, he just seems introverted and writing classes give him the opportunity to feel powerful because he is gifted and possibly insecure.
There was also this one woman who started by saying, "well, I really didn't like any of the characters" and then went on to pick apart my story on some kindof of slightly feminist but mostly supremely pretentious critique. I knew going in that my story could be susceptible to attacks from many directions. The characters in the story are misogynistic, racist, homophobic, and not really concerned with their white privilege. I tried to give the main character a great deal of complexity. He is many things and certainly not a bigot. I am very different from some of the characters in my story. But to be honest, I'm also very similar in ways, in the way that we are all misogynistic, racist and homophobic. I would make the argument that since we (those of us who grew up in the U.S.) were raised in a misogynistic, racist, homophobic culture, we, all of us, inherit these traits. OF COURSE, it's on a spectrum and it's very different from person to person. For example, it's my belief that a black man cannot be racist in the same way a white man can be. That is a huge debate for another time. The story I wrote, the one I want to write, is not going to back down to pretentious feminist critiques. It's a man's story. I am a man, and I wrote that shit. That does not give me license to go on the attack and perpetuate misogyny. On the contrary, one of my maybe more unconscious goals was to write about the everyday misogyny, racism and homophobia in white dudes in college (those are the main characters in the story). So, I think it leaves the story open to criticism. I do believe I need to work on the story. It absolutely needs work. That part was clear from the feedback I got from my warm and generous classmates.
I should be clear that I believe most of the women giving me negative feedback were not reacting to misogyny, racism, or homophobia. I just think they thought my story needed more work. And I should be very clear that only one woman felt to me like she was pretentious. The other women seemed grounded and balanced and just not that stoked about my story. But it still hurts to feel like everyone thinks your story sucks. I also am very aware that I am a white, straight man. I write from a position of extreme privilege, and it is my responsibility to be mindful of this with everything I write. People in the class could have been reacting to this, but I have no idea, since it was not explicitly stated.
On the other hand, you also want to stick by your shit. Even the pretentious, annoying woman can make a solid point about the female characters being one-dimensional and how historically, in a male dominated culture, this is usually the case. I have an opportunity to make the female characters in my story more developed, more interesting, more like the real women I know and love. But it's also a story that lends itself towards a one-dimensional view of women because of the main character and his perspective. Just writing all this down is making me think, "this shit is interesting." I also wanted to say when 13 women beat your ass, and you have a black eye and a puffy, bloodied cheek, you GET UP OFF THE MAT AND KEEP WRITING. Fuck that bullshit. I do need to find my story, cause it's in there.
Anthony
One of my goals with this short story was to make it simple. I wrote a short story previously that had two intertwined narratives, and I got some feedback that the dual narratives needed to be made more clear, the reader wanted to know why the two narratives belonged to the same story. In any case, I set out to write a more straightforward story this time. I figured, I'm a beginner, I should start simple and then build complexity as I write more short stories and maybe eventually a novel.
Back in class this one big dude, who also had his story work-shopped the same night, said, "this may be a little blunt, but what is this story about?". He went on to explain that the reason many of the other classmates were confused was probably because the central theme of my story is not clear. And you know, he's probably right. But fuck, what a shitty thing to say. That shit hurts. It feels like being punched. I felt like I brought this really ugly, dead baby to the party, and everyone else brought really expensive silverware, and everyone was like "shit man! why the fuck did you bring that dead, ugly baby! jesus man, that's so not cool." This big guy is an astonishingly good writer. He wrote this very dark story. Each sentence was unique. He displayed mastery of complex sentence structure and an ability to mix in simple sentences. It was obvious he had worked HARD and spent TIME WORKING HARD to produce a short story that didn't have a single cliche or familiar idiom, at least that's what it felt like. His vocabulary is (I'm having a hard time finding the right word) large (that is such a shitty word for this sentence). He is young, probably about 23, white, pretty buff and tall. He's kindof shy, but smart as hell, so when he speaks, he speaks with force. He's a writer, so he's probably also super sensitive; I don't doubt that. Our class work-shopped his story before mine and many of my classmates had very good things to say about his story. I, too, told him how impressive his writing was.
HOWEVER, I said, his story lacked an emotional core. This is not surprising, as I think at this point in his young life, he's all intellect and hasn't yet figured out how to be emotionally vulnerable or write stories that have some emotional vulnerability. But maybe he hates emotional vulnerability. Many people do. Maybe he will still be a great and successful writer and never find the emotional core. What the fuck is an emotional core? I could probably define it if I tried really hard, but I don't have the energy at the moment. So while I did heap praise on the young man, I also told him his story didn't have an emotional core, and I wasn't sure where the center was. He could be a postmodernist (I am a postmodernist, too) and reject the idea of centers (not like basketball, in basketball centers are still very important, at least to the stupid Golden State Warriors). But I told him I was confused with his story, even though it was written brilliantly, in a way. But I don't my criticism provoked him into asking me, "what is your story about" in this tone of voice that communicated, "Jesus, man, get your shit together, what the fuck is this shit about?! If I've got to read this shit, then you better be goddamn clear what the fuck this story is about." I'm totally exaggerating how mean this young man was. He's actually not that mean, he just seems introverted and writing classes give him the opportunity to feel powerful because he is gifted and possibly insecure.
There was also this one woman who started by saying, "well, I really didn't like any of the characters" and then went on to pick apart my story on some kindof of slightly feminist but mostly supremely pretentious critique. I knew going in that my story could be susceptible to attacks from many directions. The characters in the story are misogynistic, racist, homophobic, and not really concerned with their white privilege. I tried to give the main character a great deal of complexity. He is many things and certainly not a bigot. I am very different from some of the characters in my story. But to be honest, I'm also very similar in ways, in the way that we are all misogynistic, racist and homophobic. I would make the argument that since we (those of us who grew up in the U.S.) were raised in a misogynistic, racist, homophobic culture, we, all of us, inherit these traits. OF COURSE, it's on a spectrum and it's very different from person to person. For example, it's my belief that a black man cannot be racist in the same way a white man can be. That is a huge debate for another time. The story I wrote, the one I want to write, is not going to back down to pretentious feminist critiques. It's a man's story. I am a man, and I wrote that shit. That does not give me license to go on the attack and perpetuate misogyny. On the contrary, one of my maybe more unconscious goals was to write about the everyday misogyny, racism and homophobia in white dudes in college (those are the main characters in the story). So, I think it leaves the story open to criticism. I do believe I need to work on the story. It absolutely needs work. That part was clear from the feedback I got from my warm and generous classmates.
I should be clear that I believe most of the women giving me negative feedback were not reacting to misogyny, racism, or homophobia. I just think they thought my story needed more work. And I should be very clear that only one woman felt to me like she was pretentious. The other women seemed grounded and balanced and just not that stoked about my story. But it still hurts to feel like everyone thinks your story sucks. I also am very aware that I am a white, straight man. I write from a position of extreme privilege, and it is my responsibility to be mindful of this with everything I write. People in the class could have been reacting to this, but I have no idea, since it was not explicitly stated.
On the other hand, you also want to stick by your shit. Even the pretentious, annoying woman can make a solid point about the female characters being one-dimensional and how historically, in a male dominated culture, this is usually the case. I have an opportunity to make the female characters in my story more developed, more interesting, more like the real women I know and love. But it's also a story that lends itself towards a one-dimensional view of women because of the main character and his perspective. Just writing all this down is making me think, "this shit is interesting." I also wanted to say when 13 women beat your ass, and you have a black eye and a puffy, bloodied cheek, you GET UP OFF THE MAT AND KEEP WRITING. Fuck that bullshit. I do need to find my story, cause it's in there.
Anthony
Thursday, April 19, 2012
My Performance on Sunday
I played music this past Sunday. It was my fifth time playing at Second Sundays, an event hosted by my friends Anthony Martinez and Starr Saunders that takes place at Sweet Inspiration Bakery/Cafe (incredibly good cake) on Market St. in San Francisco. My sixth open mic type thing ever. Second Sundays is a cool open mic because it's not open. Starr and Anthony hand select the musicians in advance. They've created this incredibly warm, positive, special environment for music. I'm amazed every time they say I can play again. Now I'm getting a little better, but after those first couple, I guess they just wanted to show people the range of talent. I represented the range of very little talent. But this last Sunday was good. I'm feeling better about my music. Still a LONG way to go. But bit by bit, I'm slowly improving. I stood up and played for the first time at Second Sundays. I played a cover of Don't Be Cruel by Elvis and two original songs. I felt more confident "on stage", better able to interact with the audience, which just means saying things into the mic. I'm not leading sing-alongs yet. My friend Rebecca from work came and she brought a couple friends, which was so cool. She described my set as "Elvis, Evil and Irish". The second song I played, an original, is downright evil in my estimation. Rebecca thought the third one sounded like an Irish ballad. My sister, who watched the video because she is now living in Las Cruces, New Mexico again, said the third song was also a little edgy. I was glad to hear this. My goal for this show was to let it rip. So I tried, especially in the third song. I wore a bow tie that my sister made. I got lots of compliments.
Here's the video from the performance:
http://tinyurl.com/76yhos7
Today I spent some time talking to someone who's going through some difficult stuff. Anxiety and depression that's making it hard to do anything. I was reminded that my musical adventures are wonderful for me. Fun, terrifying, important. But it's important to keep it in perspective.
with love and awareness for those suffering close to us,
Anthony
Here's the video from the performance:
http://tinyurl.com/76yhos7
Today I spent some time talking to someone who's going through some difficult stuff. Anxiety and depression that's making it hard to do anything. I was reminded that my musical adventures are wonderful for me. Fun, terrifying, important. But it's important to keep it in perspective.
with love and awareness for those suffering close to us,
Anthony
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Incredibly Talented Elvis Sucks - Youtube!
In my ongoing effort to provide you fair reader with the most current online resources, I wanted to alert you to the website youtube.com. Youtube is a cutting-edge new site that allows anyone (you!) to post videos. It’s like TV on the internet, but it’s not filtered by anyone. Pretty much anything goes. There’s so much to see and learn! And there is no one making decisions about what is good!
In order to give you a better sense of what youtube offers, I wanted to share a personal experience I had on youtube. It has to do with Elvis. See, for almost all of my life I have hated Elvis. There is a simple reason for this: he stole all his music from black people. (I learned recently that this isn’t 100% accurate, but pretty much completely true.) I hated the idea of Elvis. I would rather listen to the Black artists who came up with the original songs. I didn’t really like his songs, and I wasn’t impressed with his little hip motion. Wow, he moved his hip. I understand that back in the 50’s this was mind-blowing, but for me, well, it just wasn’t that impressive.
I don’t remember how exactly, but about three months ago, I stumbled on a youtube video of Elvis performing live in 1956. And my God, it was a game changer. He looks about 18. Young, innocent, handsome, and having fun. It’s obviously before things turned bad and Elvis got bloated and started wearing sequins (circa 1957). In the youtube video, Elvis is singing Don’t Be Cruel, a song I now love. It was written by Otis Blackwell, a Black man. According to wikipedia.org, another amazing source of accurate information on the internet, Otis was amenable to sharing 50% of the songwriting credits with Elvis. I don't know the real story, but at least it seems Otis benefited from the deal.
Watching the youtube video, it's clear Elvis has more talent in a wisp of his perfect hair than 99% of musicians you hear on the radio today. He was one incredibly talented dude. Just born with enough charisma to knock over buildings. It's clear in the video, he's so young, he just wants to sing and have a good time. In his early years, it's hard to fault him for wanting to sing great songs written by Black men and women. But the white men around him that managed his career are guilty of stealing lots of Black music and getting rich having Elvis perform it. In this video, the youthful Elvis is mind-bogglingly good. Too bad it went so wrong so quickly.
Here, finally, is the video:
Don't Be Cruel
I have a performance coming up this weekend, on Sunday. Second Sundays is a monthly event where local singer/songwriters have a chance to perform in a cafe/bakery, Sweet Inspiration on Market St. in San Francisco. I've played the last four months of Second Sundays, and it has been wonderful. This Sunday, I'm going to perform Don't Be Cruel along with two other original songs. The show starts at 3:30pm.
much love,
Anthony
ps - A friend of mine, after reading this post, sent the following with the video:
boooooo boooooo elvis straight up racist...
Fight the Power!
If you have thoughts or videos you want to share, please comment below! You don't need an account and you can do it anonymously, if you want. more love : )
In order to give you a better sense of what youtube offers, I wanted to share a personal experience I had on youtube. It has to do with Elvis. See, for almost all of my life I have hated Elvis. There is a simple reason for this: he stole all his music from black people. (I learned recently that this isn’t 100% accurate, but pretty much completely true.) I hated the idea of Elvis. I would rather listen to the Black artists who came up with the original songs. I didn’t really like his songs, and I wasn’t impressed with his little hip motion. Wow, he moved his hip. I understand that back in the 50’s this was mind-blowing, but for me, well, it just wasn’t that impressive.
I don’t remember how exactly, but about three months ago, I stumbled on a youtube video of Elvis performing live in 1956. And my God, it was a game changer. He looks about 18. Young, innocent, handsome, and having fun. It’s obviously before things turned bad and Elvis got bloated and started wearing sequins (circa 1957). In the youtube video, Elvis is singing Don’t Be Cruel, a song I now love. It was written by Otis Blackwell, a Black man. According to wikipedia.org, another amazing source of accurate information on the internet, Otis was amenable to sharing 50% of the songwriting credits with Elvis. I don't know the real story, but at least it seems Otis benefited from the deal.
Watching the youtube video, it's clear Elvis has more talent in a wisp of his perfect hair than 99% of musicians you hear on the radio today. He was one incredibly talented dude. Just born with enough charisma to knock over buildings. It's clear in the video, he's so young, he just wants to sing and have a good time. In his early years, it's hard to fault him for wanting to sing great songs written by Black men and women. But the white men around him that managed his career are guilty of stealing lots of Black music and getting rich having Elvis perform it. In this video, the youthful Elvis is mind-bogglingly good. Too bad it went so wrong so quickly.
Here, finally, is the video:
Don't Be Cruel
I have a performance coming up this weekend, on Sunday. Second Sundays is a monthly event where local singer/songwriters have a chance to perform in a cafe/bakery, Sweet Inspiration on Market St. in San Francisco. I've played the last four months of Second Sundays, and it has been wonderful. This Sunday, I'm going to perform Don't Be Cruel along with two other original songs. The show starts at 3:30pm.
much love,
Anthony
ps - A friend of mine, after reading this post, sent the following with the video:
boooooo boooooo elvis straight up racist...
If you have thoughts or videos you want to share, please comment below! You don't need an account and you can do it anonymously, if you want. more love : )
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