Ray Rice was found guilty today of slaughtering 2000 innocent Palestinians. This according to multiple sources that vehemently defend all actions of the Israeli State. Ray Rice and Roger Goodell were found guilty of war crimes in the Hague. International tribunals began gathering wood to burn both men at the "steak" (BBQ!) but realized it was Sunday evening and NFL Football was on. The tribunals began laughing hysterically, and all at once bellowed "Are you ready for some football!"
Philip Seymour Roth said, "I hella love Oakland, mom. I hella love Oakland. I wear that shit on my t-shirt, which means I'm dope, hard, socially conscious and down with black people."
Young Mr. Roth's mom said, "Son, it is not enough to 'hella love Oakland'. Michael Brown was murdered by a police officer in Ferguson, Missouri."
"WHAT THE FUCK, MOM! Who are you, like the Hannity version of Angela Davis! Fuck! I live in Piedmont, so I KNOW what the fuck is going on in Oakland! I may be white, but fuck if they're gonna play me in this Fox News catastrophic cacophony of lies and deceit."
A very cute golden-doodle barks in the distance. "Bark."
"Mom, I'm gonna show these people what I'm made of. I know you saw my comments on Jeff's post. That fucker is such a fucking racist asshole. Jeff thinks there is no such thing as white privilege. Mom, I'm going to be very real with you right now. I'm nine years old, and I'm about to get very real with you. White privilege is not a theory, it's not up for debate. It's a fact. There is now enough research on white privilege to put it right up there with evolution. I got a shirt that says "white privilege is a thing just like evolution, you Christian fuckers". I know it's a lot to put on a t shirt. But I've made my point."
"Son, do you know that I'm pregnant?"
"Yes, mom. You told me."
"And you know that my love for Morrison's Song of Solomon is supreme?"
"[what the fuck eyes]Yes."
"And you know how much I love Van Morrison's song Stepping Out Queen Part 2?"
"YES! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING AT MOM!"
"I'm just temporarily telling you that Marvin Gaye is a God. Do you understand the logic? If you listen to What's Going On enough times, the complete album, you will transcend space and time and simultaneously have the tools to dismantle capitalism, sexism, racism, talk show hostism, sportsism, financial planninism, fortune cookieism, realism and post-modernism (that serpernt!).". (sic--just because)
"Understood. I'm at about 57 listens. I know the Buddha's calling me on my SAMSUNG GALAXY S 5, "The Next Big Thing Is Here" [Paid endorsement. Don't hate. Artists got to make a living.] soon. But, mom, the point is this: Marvin Gaye may indeed be God. I agree. I wholeheartedly, fuck-holy-wholeheartedly agree. I'll agree until I'm blue in the balls and my dick's as big as the Eiffel Tower so I can fuck the world for 72 hours, but what's happening in Oakland, with all the killing and inequality...well, us Piedmonters, us Hill Toppers, we gotta start wearing more t-shirts and clicking more likes when we read headlines about evil people presented in front of us on our Samsung mobile devices. Jeff fucking liked ISIS, mom! Can you believe that shit. Jeff is facebook friends with the Islamic State. He re-posts and re-tweets all of the ISIL commentary. It's fucking fascinating. They're all about Love! Can you believe that shit! They have loving-kindness as one of the top three reasons they're beheading motherfuckers."
"What does Jeff have to say about Putin?"
"Jeff thinks Putin is an asshole because he won't just admit he shot down that Malaysian plane."
"Son, have you ever read Good Will Hunting?"
"Mom, that's a movie; how could I read that shit. SHIT!"
"That's what I mean. You have to read the visual. It's like the matrix. Screens produce images that must be read as text. 3D text, and you don't need googles."
"MOM! Google is a search engine, and you don't need GOGGLES for 3D movies. Goggles are for fucking swimming pools. MOM! FUCK!"
"I'm about to give birth to an angel, and you are nine. It's like the matrix, son. Do you know that you can read the God of Marvin Gaye in Good Will Hunting?"
"..."
"..."
"Mom, that is some profound shit."
"Yes, son, it is profound. The father as savior myth, only in the case of Marvin Gaye, it was the father as destroyer of life. Marvin's father killed him because he thought the devil was in him, Marvin's father was convinced Marvin had demons in his blood stream. Marvin was made an angel that day and left this physical world. But like the catharsis experienced by Will, aided by Robin Williams', may he rest in peace, character, in the movie, Marvin was freed. Marvin became part of the infinite, invisible, unknown buttress that holds up our conception of reality. Whether or not Marvin should have been freed that day is neither here nor there. It is everywhere now. It was, and is, and will continue to be. Now Marvin is a God. And there are room for more. Soldiers that fight for civil rights and beauty."
"Mom, I just got a text from Jeff. He's got tickets to see Kanye tonight. He wants me to go. So I'm going. Love you."
"I love you too my bright eyed baby boy. Last thing, get this tattooed up your left arm, along your back and down your right arm, tonight:
"While my mother waters plants, my father loads his gun. He says, 'Death will give us back to God just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean.'"
with loathsome, loaded love,
Anthony
(bang)
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