Okay, so I might have been a bit overly dramatic in my last post. I'm not planning on retiring from music and/or writing. I don't think I could even if I wanted to. At some point in the future I will be compelled to play music again although I haven't since my last open mic bloodbath. Not to mention the irony of writing about my retirement from writing. I was planning on using this as a jumping off point to got into a deep, French, theoretical discussion of Irony in all its wonders. But I will spare you the intellectual fireworks and stick with the savor of brevity. (Mark my words, I will return to the subject of Irony, and when I do, it will be with the energy of the rush of the bulls in Pamplona.)
I wasn't clear in my last post, but I wasn't intending to retire from the blog. The blog is easy. If I want to just post a song one week, that's all I gotta do. Retiring from writing last week meant retiring from the difficult task of writing fiction, short stories specifically. In part, this was related to the brutal feedback I received in my class. In part, this was related to learning, again, that writing is really hard, and if you want to write well, it demands time, attention, energy, focus and, most importantly, re-writing.
I've taken two things out of my life for the moment: playing music and writing fiction. Because of this, I've had to re-examine my priorities and think about who I am. New identity. Missing parts. For the moment, no longer the ambitious, newbie, musician; no longer the ambitious, newbie, author. This week I've felt empty and uncertain. My therapist #2, the more experimental one, has taught me to sit with these feelings rather than running away from them. So, I've been a little down sitting with feelings of emptiness and loss.
Or I was until my article was published on Tuesday in the Albany Patch about my struggles with anxiety, depression and panic attacks (link below). I was overwhelmed with the positive feedback the article generated from friends and family. I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of love and support. This is a wonderful thing, of course. But it's also made think, "what made the article connect with people so deeply?" I feel lucky to have wonderfully supportive people in my life. But it has also been a bit emotionally exhausting. It's strange that the week I decide to retire from writing, my article is published, and I'm overwhelmed with love and support. Such a lesson: one week my writing class is ripping my story apart, the next week people are effusively launching into love letters triggered by my article. I don't want to down play the significance of these love letters. Every one has meant the earth to me; most have been better written than my article. But overall, it has been a lesson in balance. I'm trying not to get too down from the criticism and not too up from the praise.
with sweeping affection, the love of Irony, and luck in our quest for balance,
Anthony
http://albany.patch.com/articles/albany-doctor-helps-albany-native-overcome-severe-mental-health-challenges
(http://gyasiross.bandcamp.com/)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I'm retiring
I'm retiring. From performing and writing music, and from writing. I'm done, exhauseted. I want to sleep and eat and watch the San Francisco Giants. However, I am not retiring from promoting The Show! I'm going to keep promoting that bitch voraciously. You can't keep me off those bases. I'm going to steal second and third. And The Show! is going to pop.
But as far as my own music is concerned, I'm done. I played Second Sundays on Sunday and sucked. I tried to play Bob Dylan's, "Like a Rolling Stone," Bob Marley's, "Stir It Up," and Bruce Springsteen's, "I'm On Fire". I absolutely butchered Like a Rolling Stone. I took a friendly cow and slaughtered it, thrashed about with my voice off key, off pitch, in the wrong neighborhood, samurai'ing the friendly cow, sliced lower intestines and blood everywhere.
Yes, you could argue Bob Dylan does the same thing, but I am not Bob Dylan. Mine was just bad. It was kindof of a self-fulling prophecy. No, let me re-phrase that. I didn't practice enough. I didn't prepare enough. And yes, it's both ambitious and insane to play what many believe to be the greatest rock song ever. But you gotta do it, right? Wrong. At least learn to play the chords right, and sing in key, and not suck. The other two songs got progressively better. I'm On Fire was okay, and Stir It Up was decent. With Stir It Up, I didn't try to sound like Bob Marley, and I actually thought I sang well. I love that song so much. I just love that song.
And I'm done as a writer. It's too hard, and I can't deal with any type of critical feedback. I'm soft, like the belly of a whale. Writing is too hard. You have to do TWO drafts. That's just too hard. Call me what you like, but I'm retiring.
I've had a great run. I've been published in the Albany Patch. You can actually link to my articles just over there, to the right, on this page. And I've got another article in the hopper, all ready to go. Just waiting on my editor to give it the green light. I'm hoping before 2013.
Musically, I'm an award winning performer at Second Sundays. They love me there. I'm absolutely critical to the ongoing success of Second Sundays. They gave me the Best Supporting Performer award. In all seriousness, I got a small, plastic, director's bull horn, non-amplified. That was the award. It said my name on it and it said Best Supporting Actor or Performer, I don't remember which. But the point is I've had great success. It's time to hang up the cleats.
I may come out of retirement at some point. But right now, I'm done. I'm just too tired to play music. And writing is just too hard, any writer will tell you that.
I love you, from the depths of my failures,
Anthony
I love this soooooooooooooooooooo much:
Bob Marley - "Stir It Up"
But as far as my own music is concerned, I'm done. I played Second Sundays on Sunday and sucked. I tried to play Bob Dylan's, "Like a Rolling Stone," Bob Marley's, "Stir It Up," and Bruce Springsteen's, "I'm On Fire". I absolutely butchered Like a Rolling Stone. I took a friendly cow and slaughtered it, thrashed about with my voice off key, off pitch, in the wrong neighborhood, samurai'ing the friendly cow, sliced lower intestines and blood everywhere.
Yes, you could argue Bob Dylan does the same thing, but I am not Bob Dylan. Mine was just bad. It was kindof of a self-fulling prophecy. No, let me re-phrase that. I didn't practice enough. I didn't prepare enough. And yes, it's both ambitious and insane to play what many believe to be the greatest rock song ever. But you gotta do it, right? Wrong. At least learn to play the chords right, and sing in key, and not suck. The other two songs got progressively better. I'm On Fire was okay, and Stir It Up was decent. With Stir It Up, I didn't try to sound like Bob Marley, and I actually thought I sang well. I love that song so much. I just love that song.
And I'm done as a writer. It's too hard, and I can't deal with any type of critical feedback. I'm soft, like the belly of a whale. Writing is too hard. You have to do TWO drafts. That's just too hard. Call me what you like, but I'm retiring.
I've had a great run. I've been published in the Albany Patch. You can actually link to my articles just over there, to the right, on this page. And I've got another article in the hopper, all ready to go. Just waiting on my editor to give it the green light. I'm hoping before 2013.
Musically, I'm an award winning performer at Second Sundays. They love me there. I'm absolutely critical to the ongoing success of Second Sundays. They gave me the Best Supporting Performer award. In all seriousness, I got a small, plastic, director's bull horn, non-amplified. That was the award. It said my name on it and it said Best Supporting Actor or Performer, I don't remember which. But the point is I've had great success. It's time to hang up the cleats.
I may come out of retirement at some point. But right now, I'm done. I'm just too tired to play music. And writing is just too hard, any writer will tell you that.
I love you, from the depths of my failures,
Anthony
I love this soooooooooooooooooooo much:
Bob Marley - "Stir It Up"
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The Show!
I put together and am now promoting The Show! The Show! features Starr Saunders, Gyasi Ross and Katie Ekin. You can link to all of their music below. The Show! will be at The Hotel Utah on Thursday, June 14th. It starts at 8:30pm, and the cover is $10. Come! It's going to be fun. : )
I felt compelled to put together this show and try to make it real after seeing Gyasi, Katie and Starr each play at "Second Sundays," the singer/songwriter showcase that I've been playing, once a month, over the last six months or so. I'm a beginner, so I always go first. But the performers in The Show! are the ones who go much later in the afternoon as the talent and experience balloons. Starr is one of the co-hosts of Second Sundays, so I've seen her perform many times and love her performances. Anthony Martinez is the other co-host of Second Sundays. I wanted him to be a part of The Show! too. And he was absolutely down. But he found out that his little brother's high school graduation falls on the same night as the show. When he told me this I was bummed, depressed for a couple days. Anthony is part of the glue that I had originally envisioned, when the idea of The Show! first popped into my head. But I've come to accept that Anthony won't be there, and I greatly appreciate his priorities. I know, absolutely know that Anthony will be there in spirit. He is one of the kindest, most positive, supportive and musically talented people I know. I could tell when he called me to tell me he wasn't going to be able to play that he was genuinely bummed, too. Being the stand-up guy that he is, he's remained committed to promoting the show, and he's going to try and come after the graduation. The great thing is that, assuming this show goes well (I'm working hard on my positive thinking) so assuming it goes well, we'll have more leverage with venues to do another show and Anthony can be a part of The Show II, but we won't call it that, cause that is a shit name. It will be altogether different, but make sure to take all of the great parts from the first one.
I just really want you to know, fair reader, that I care deeply about this show. I've worked hard to make it real. You can go to the Hotel Utah website and see The Show! on their website (see below). On June 14th, Starr, Gyasi and Katie are going to play their beautiful, upbeat, organic, powerful, light, brilliant music. This wouldn't have happened (I'm shifting into the future, post-June 14th) had it not been for my passion and skill, putting together an email and selling this idea to the booker at the Hotel Utah, who doesn't know me from Samantha. The day Keith, the booker for the Utah, wrote me and confirmed we were on was an extremely happy day for me. I put a lot on the line, and now it is going to happen. I'm not writing this to highlight what an amazing person I am. I'm writing this because I care so deeply about this show. It goes straight to my gut.
I got pretty involved in the local music scene when I lived in nyc, circa 2006. I managed a band, I put on shows, including a benefit show I was really proud of, I interned at a major label (Virgin) and an indy label (Velour). I was completely driven to make the band I managed, Paragraph, into a national phenomenon. My model was The Strokes. I felt like Paragraph had that kindof talent and chemistry. Things didn't work out how I wanted, at the time. But, fuck, I learned a lot. I learned a lot the hard way, trying to chase the cats and get coffee and feeling one moment of euphoria at a Paragraph show because I loved the music so much and the next day feeling totally depressed and despondent because I couldn't get them to agree on a logo, or even get in touch with them. But I don't blame them, they were like 19. I loved them, I love them today. I believe in them today. They are no longer all together in a band called Paragraph, but they are still pursuing creative endeavors. I have so much love for and faith in those guys.
For a bunch of reasons, when I moved back to the Bay Area from nyc in the summer of 2007 I didn't want to get involved in music. Mostly because I was suffering, dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and thick depression. It took 4-5 years to even begin feeling "normal" again. And thank the mysterious songs I replace God with that I got better at all. So many people don't recover. Many end their own lives. It's a tragedy. But you know this.
As I started to feel better, music started to creep back into my life. But this time I was playing, and when Anthony invited my to play Second Sundays, I thought he was insane, a bad decision maker, and not a good judge of talent. But I said hell yes. Let me get up there and feel that terror. And fortunately through that experience, I met Starr, Gyasi, and Katie. I won't go on and on about much I love their music here. But you can assume it runs deep. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to bring people together with live music I love. Other people are not compelled to do this. It's not good or bad. It just is. I want people to hear wonderful music and be next to each other and feel connected to each other. The first time I heard Gyasi play at Second Sundays, towards the end of his set, he had everybody sing along with him. It helped that a lot of the audience were performers of various levels, but damn that was a beautiful thing, hearing everyone sing together, with Gyasi leading us. I want people to feel that connection.
To make The Show! a success I brought in one of my colleagues from UC Berkeley. Yasya is like my business partner, only we don't have a business. But she brings the tenacity, passion, intelligence, follow-thorugh and love of music that I believe are necessary to be successful in the music business. I'm so excited to see what is possible with Yasya and I working together to promote local, gifted musicians.
So come. In all seriousness, I would love it if you take the time out of your insanely busy schedules, put Thursday, June 14th on your calendar, come out to the Utah and be a part of this. Like I said, I want to do a second show. But first we got to blow this one up. I want to create energy and momentum with this show and build. I dream big, but it takes small, specific, concrete steps to make dreams real.
with a profound love of music and its possibilities,
Anthony
The Show! Hotel Utah link:
http://www.hotelutah.com/event/120445/
The Show! My Facebook invite:
http://www.facebook.com/events/227520307347410/
Gyasi Ross Music (he just released a new album, like today!)
http://gyasiross.bandcamp.com/album/by-any-means?autoplay=true
(I recommend starting with Track 4, "Doing Fine". I love this song.)
Starr Saunders
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Starr-Saunders-Music/279245728771647?sk=app_2405167945
(I love this song, co-written with the also brilliant Robert Lindsey)
Katie Ekin
http://www.facebook.com/katieekin/app_178091127385?ref=ts
("Cuckoo" is amazing, as are all of Katie's songs.)
I felt compelled to put together this show and try to make it real after seeing Gyasi, Katie and Starr each play at "Second Sundays," the singer/songwriter showcase that I've been playing, once a month, over the last six months or so. I'm a beginner, so I always go first. But the performers in The Show! are the ones who go much later in the afternoon as the talent and experience balloons. Starr is one of the co-hosts of Second Sundays, so I've seen her perform many times and love her performances. Anthony Martinez is the other co-host of Second Sundays. I wanted him to be a part of The Show! too. And he was absolutely down. But he found out that his little brother's high school graduation falls on the same night as the show. When he told me this I was bummed, depressed for a couple days. Anthony is part of the glue that I had originally envisioned, when the idea of The Show! first popped into my head. But I've come to accept that Anthony won't be there, and I greatly appreciate his priorities. I know, absolutely know that Anthony will be there in spirit. He is one of the kindest, most positive, supportive and musically talented people I know. I could tell when he called me to tell me he wasn't going to be able to play that he was genuinely bummed, too. Being the stand-up guy that he is, he's remained committed to promoting the show, and he's going to try and come after the graduation. The great thing is that, assuming this show goes well (I'm working hard on my positive thinking) so assuming it goes well, we'll have more leverage with venues to do another show and Anthony can be a part of The Show II, but we won't call it that, cause that is a shit name. It will be altogether different, but make sure to take all of the great parts from the first one.
I just really want you to know, fair reader, that I care deeply about this show. I've worked hard to make it real. You can go to the Hotel Utah website and see The Show! on their website (see below). On June 14th, Starr, Gyasi and Katie are going to play their beautiful, upbeat, organic, powerful, light, brilliant music. This wouldn't have happened (I'm shifting into the future, post-June 14th) had it not been for my passion and skill, putting together an email and selling this idea to the booker at the Hotel Utah, who doesn't know me from Samantha. The day Keith, the booker for the Utah, wrote me and confirmed we were on was an extremely happy day for me. I put a lot on the line, and now it is going to happen. I'm not writing this to highlight what an amazing person I am. I'm writing this because I care so deeply about this show. It goes straight to my gut.
I got pretty involved in the local music scene when I lived in nyc, circa 2006. I managed a band, I put on shows, including a benefit show I was really proud of, I interned at a major label (Virgin) and an indy label (Velour). I was completely driven to make the band I managed, Paragraph, into a national phenomenon. My model was The Strokes. I felt like Paragraph had that kindof talent and chemistry. Things didn't work out how I wanted, at the time. But, fuck, I learned a lot. I learned a lot the hard way, trying to chase the cats and get coffee and feeling one moment of euphoria at a Paragraph show because I loved the music so much and the next day feeling totally depressed and despondent because I couldn't get them to agree on a logo, or even get in touch with them. But I don't blame them, they were like 19. I loved them, I love them today. I believe in them today. They are no longer all together in a band called Paragraph, but they are still pursuing creative endeavors. I have so much love for and faith in those guys.
For a bunch of reasons, when I moved back to the Bay Area from nyc in the summer of 2007 I didn't want to get involved in music. Mostly because I was suffering, dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and thick depression. It took 4-5 years to even begin feeling "normal" again. And thank the mysterious songs I replace God with that I got better at all. So many people don't recover. Many end their own lives. It's a tragedy. But you know this.
As I started to feel better, music started to creep back into my life. But this time I was playing, and when Anthony invited my to play Second Sundays, I thought he was insane, a bad decision maker, and not a good judge of talent. But I said hell yes. Let me get up there and feel that terror. And fortunately through that experience, I met Starr, Gyasi, and Katie. I won't go on and on about much I love their music here. But you can assume it runs deep. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to bring people together with live music I love. Other people are not compelled to do this. It's not good or bad. It just is. I want people to hear wonderful music and be next to each other and feel connected to each other. The first time I heard Gyasi play at Second Sundays, towards the end of his set, he had everybody sing along with him. It helped that a lot of the audience were performers of various levels, but damn that was a beautiful thing, hearing everyone sing together, with Gyasi leading us. I want people to feel that connection.
To make The Show! a success I brought in one of my colleagues from UC Berkeley. Yasya is like my business partner, only we don't have a business. But she brings the tenacity, passion, intelligence, follow-thorugh and love of music that I believe are necessary to be successful in the music business. I'm so excited to see what is possible with Yasya and I working together to promote local, gifted musicians.
So come. In all seriousness, I would love it if you take the time out of your insanely busy schedules, put Thursday, June 14th on your calendar, come out to the Utah and be a part of this. Like I said, I want to do a second show. But first we got to blow this one up. I want to create energy and momentum with this show and build. I dream big, but it takes small, specific, concrete steps to make dreams real.
with a profound love of music and its possibilities,
Anthony
The Show! Hotel Utah link:
http://www.hotelutah.com/event/120445/
The Show! My Facebook invite:
http://www.facebook.com/events/227520307347410/
Gyasi Ross Music (he just released a new album, like today!)
http://gyasiross.bandcamp.com/album/by-any-means?autoplay=true
(I recommend starting with Track 4, "Doing Fine". I love this song.)
Starr Saunders
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Starr-Saunders-Music/279245728771647?sk=app_2405167945
(I love this song, co-written with the also brilliant Robert Lindsey)
Katie Ekin
http://www.facebook.com/katieekin/app_178091127385?ref=ts
("Cuckoo" is amazing, as are all of Katie's songs.)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
How Do I Know (Here We Go Magic (This Is the Moment))
How Do I Know
This is the moment. The moment planets collide and explode light that rains down on the sidewalks of urban streets in happy glow beams. Cracked sidewalks that take the moment and reflect it back to the sun, rays of light meeting in an embrace, hands and wrists interlocking -- bigger things. This is the moment of sunlight and freedom. This is the moment she sings a song of delight and complexity, sweet songs of mystery falling down on mankind, humankind. This is the moment of honesty where no beer commercial will follow, no scantily clad young woman to stimulate and confuse your desire. This is a moment when your love is your love, your truth in love. This is the moment of your gut winning the day. The erudition of instinct. This is the moment of kindness. This is the moment of ART in the face of death. This is the moment. It is a moment of truth, truth and song. This is the moment we crave, a moment of Dostoyevsky happily ushering in the embrace. This is a moment of learning and safety, of honest decay. This is a moment of simplicity. This is a moment of sunshine. This is a moment of secrets and shame set free into the wild heart of a lover; this is a blazing moment of acceptance...for all things we are and all things we are not. This is a blazing moment of justice and babies. This is a moment of babies circling the wagons in song. This is a moment of hallelujah. This is surely a moment of love, big bright window panes, sunlight, love, midnight, a surreal ephemeral amphibious underwater adolescent kiss -- big hurt and hugs -- sets shock waves through fault lines. This is a moment of platitudes conquering and slashing through the soft belly flesh of (literary) criticism. This is one brilliant moment of freedom, separation, angst, rebellion and coming together again.
This is a moment of love,
Anthony
This is the moment. The moment planets collide and explode light that rains down on the sidewalks of urban streets in happy glow beams. Cracked sidewalks that take the moment and reflect it back to the sun, rays of light meeting in an embrace, hands and wrists interlocking -- bigger things. This is the moment of sunlight and freedom. This is the moment she sings a song of delight and complexity, sweet songs of mystery falling down on mankind, humankind. This is the moment of honesty where no beer commercial will follow, no scantily clad young woman to stimulate and confuse your desire. This is a moment when your love is your love, your truth in love. This is the moment of your gut winning the day. The erudition of instinct. This is the moment of kindness. This is the moment of ART in the face of death. This is the moment. It is a moment of truth, truth and song. This is the moment we crave, a moment of Dostoyevsky happily ushering in the embrace. This is a moment of learning and safety, of honest decay. This is a moment of simplicity. This is a moment of sunshine. This is a moment of secrets and shame set free into the wild heart of a lover; this is a blazing moment of acceptance...for all things we are and all things we are not. This is a blazing moment of justice and babies. This is a moment of babies circling the wagons in song. This is a moment of hallelujah. This is surely a moment of love, big bright window panes, sunlight, love, midnight, a surreal ephemeral amphibious underwater adolescent kiss -- big hurt and hugs -- sets shock waves through fault lines. This is a moment of platitudes conquering and slashing through the soft belly flesh of (literary) criticism. This is one brilliant moment of freedom, separation, angst, rebellion and coming together again.
This is a moment of love,
Anthony
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